Becoming a Values-Based Parent
Parenting often feels like a series of never-ending decisions. Do we enforce the consequence or let it go? Do we allow the sleepover or say no? In the moment, it’s easy to react—based on emotion, convenience, or even exhaustion. But what if we had a clearer guide? That’s where values-based parenting comes in.
Values-based parenting means leading with your why—choosing how to respond based on the core principles you want to pass on, rather than reacting to stress or fear. It doesn’t mean being perfect. It means being intentional.
What Are Values, Really?
Values are not the same as rules. They’re not specific behaviors or expectations. Instead, values are enduring beliefs that guide our choices and help us prioritize what matters most.
Common parenting values might include:
Respect
Responsibility
Kindness
Curiosity
Honesty
Courage
Inclusion
Every family will have a slightly different mix, based on culture, background, and personal beliefs. What matters most is clarity and consistency.
Reactive vs. Values-Based Parenting
Let’s take a typical example: Your child forgets their homework again. You’re tired and frustrated. You snap: “Why can’t you be more responsible? I’m sick of reminding you!”
Now, imagine you’ve identified one of your key parenting values as growth through mistakes. You pause. Instead of yelling, you say: “I know this feels frustrating. What do you think happened today? How could we plan differently next time?”
Same situation. Different outcome. Not because you’re calmer—but because you’re anchored.
The Science Behind It
Research in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), as outlined in Russ Harris’s The Happiness Trap, supports the power of values in shaping behavior. When people (kids and adults) take action based on values, they experience greater well-being—even in difficult circumstances.
Values create psychological flexibility. They remind us who we want to be, especially when emotions are high.
How to Identify Your Parenting Values
Reflect on role models
Think about a person you admire. What qualities do they embody?Recall proud moments
When have you felt like your “best” self as a parent? What values were you expressing?Name your top 3–5 values
Less is more. Choose the ones that feel most aligned—not the ones you think you should choose.Get curious about alignment
Where are your parenting actions lining up with your values? Where are they not?Involve your kids
Older children can reflect on shared family values, too. It builds ownership and mutual respect.
A Real-Life Shift
One parent I worked with, “Derek,” came in struggling with his son’s backtalk. He believed in the value of respect, but found himself yelling in return—“Don’t you talk to me like that!” When we unpacked his value, he realized he wasn’t modeling the respect he expected.
He began pausing, even when frustrated, and saying, “I want us to talk to each other with respect. Let’s take a break and try again.” Within weeks, the tone at home began to shift. Not perfectly—but intentionally.
Staying Grounded in Stress
Stress will pull us out of our values. That’s part of being human. But naming your values in advance helps you course-correct faster. Here are a few practices:
Post them on the fridge, mirror, or phone lock screen.
Use them as a filter: “What would kindness do here?”
Reflect weekly: Where did I parent in alignment? Where did I stray?
Offer self-compassion when you miss the mark. You’re growing, too.
A Systemic Perspective
Values-based parenting isn’t just about individual behavior. It’s about shaping the emotional climate of your home. When values are clear and consistently modeled, children experience safety, trust, and belonging.
It also teaches kids a powerful lifelong lesson: your behavior matters, and you get to choose it.
A Final Reflection
In the chaos of parenting, it’s easy to lose our bearings. But your values are always there—like a compass, waiting to point you home.
This week, write down three values you want to guide your parenting. Post them somewhere visible. Let them speak louder than your stress.
You won’t get it right every time. But over time, values-based parenting builds something far more important than perfection: it builds connection, character, and clarity.
